How hard can it be not to be “nice?”
Well, it can be… for the exact reasons any
dating science personality change can be hard. What
we’re doing in our approach is calibrating specific
aspects of our personality.
So, let’s say you were like I was ten years ago…
and you need to be “less nice.” Well, how much less?
How do we know when we get it right?
And here we have a possible problem. If you could map every
attribute of your personality from 1-10, you could probably
determine an ideal range for every characteristic, and it’s
unfrequently to the extreme. Even among the eight attraction triggers
talked about in Magic Bullets (the 8 traits that
virtually all women respond to, no matter who they – or you -
are), you can go too far.
Take confidence, for example. Being an eight out of ten or a nine out
of 10 in terms of confidence is great. Being 10 out of 10 is…
a little bit weird. Women might find that intimidating, or
assume you’re hiding something or are strange or a vampire
in some kind of way.
So, being nice or nicer works the same way. Imagine you created a range in which
“nice” was a “one” and “jerk” was a “ten”, you may wanna be
around a six to an eight. [Don't take the actual numbers too seriously;
this is to illustrate an idea.And many "nice" dudes are
around a three.
Usually what goes on is that men experiment with acting more of a
jerk. They get some results. They push a bit more. They get more
excellent results. Then for some reason that can't be explained, some girls begin having negative
reactions.
What really went on is this "guy" is hitting a nine or a
ten on the scale. However it is very difficult to see this, because most guys
are consciously or subconsciously changing how they present themselves
along a bunch of different dimensions. So the guy who is being less
nice is also using the Emotional Progression Model from Magic Bullets
and delivering great routines. Overall he is getting better with
girls, but this improvement hides the truth that he's gone
too far in 1 section.
This goes on all the time, it is almost impossible for the majority of people to actually
self-analyze what they are doing right and wrong.
Now, is the lesson that guys can take great dating advice to
an extreme? No... that would have been a lot shorter and more obvious.
My point is actually quite different: if you are learning on your
own, you NEED TO take new tactics to an extreme. For example:
-Touching/kino: be the creepy overly-touchy guy for a while.
-Closing; attempt to get the girl to go home with you everytime you approach.
-Too passive/shy/quiet; be the incredibly nutty dancing monkey.
-And so on...
In my experience - and I've trained hundreds of guys in the last five
years, including several who have gone on to become instructors-
most guys need to learn the spectrum of useful behavior. Moreover, you
need to get an intuitive feel for it. You need to get used to
the signs you get when you're {being too nice~{the clues you receive when you are acting too nice}~the signals you get when you're being too nice}. You need to get used to
the signs you get when you're being too much of a jerk. You need to be
able to notice them early on, when you are just a smidge outside of
the ideal range, so you can calibrate back into it quickly. With practice
and experimentation, this will come naturally.
You actually do this already. Let's use the example of just talking
to a friend. Yoou know what the normal volume level is from experience.
But if you come in outside that range - say you've just gotten off
the plane and your ears are plugged and you don't realize how loudly
you are talking - you will quickly and instinctively give yourself the
feedback you need to change... often without thinking about it.
When you are very loud, you will probably see people looking in your
area greater than usual, you could observe your buddy shifting his
head held back & seeimng a little bit less relaxed, or maybe you sense a difference in
your chest. When you're being too quiet, your friend will lean in to hear
you, he might look like he is concentrating on what you're saying more
than average, and so on. All of these are feedback mechanisms that let
you modify your behavior. And these work, because you've got tons of
experience with being too loud or too quiet in normal social situations
and have learned to modify how you present yourself.
Learn how to tell when you're doing too much or too little of
something by being aware of which outcomes to expect when
you do.
Now, we're going to apply this to being nice. What are some signs that you are
being too nice?
-She talks about other men around you.
-She is open and comfortable to you touching her, but there's
no sexuality behind it
-She wishes her boyfriend (or more men in general) were more like you.
-She doesn't get dressed up to see you (unless you are going out
somewhere).
-She answers her phone calls from other dudes in front of you.
[This isn't a checklist. Keep in mind these aren't set in stone, so they don't necessarily mean you're too nice,
& not all of these clues will show up even when you're being too nice.]
Similarly, there are some common signs to be aware of when you are
being too much of a jerk:
-She calls you an “asshole” or “mean” (without smiling). A girl can call
you evil, a jerk, bad news, or a player, and still be very attracted to
you. Or she can call you anything while smiling. However most girls won’t
call you an asshole or tell you that you’re mean and actually want you.
Incredibly, a few words have more influence than other words with girls, this happens to be something we
sometimes go over in some of my phone consulting & one on ones.
-She’s not comfortable being alone with you.
-You’re teasing her or “negging” her and it used to get a positive response
but is now getting a negative one.
Anytime you make a change, try to test out both ends(too little & too much)
and get used to where the boundaries are.
As a more advanced thought, if you’re trying to be less of the “nice guy,”
I’ve had a lot more success teaching men to be “selfish” than to be “jerks.”
When you are a jerk, you intentionally put another person down. When
you are selfish, doing what you want first. And this is the issue
for most “nice guys.”These guys always put others’ wants or needs higher than their own.
I am not saying guys should be selfish for no good reason. Remember to just do this if you’re
getting the “nice guy” reactions from women. End or change plans when you do not feel
like hitting the town or something cooler arises. Within reason, don’t
offer to pick her up, drive her home, etc. dates really have to be things that you would
love doing either way- this doesn’t matter if you are normally too nice or not,
and Chapter 17 (Dates) of Magic Bullets explains why. When you’re faced with
a decision, ask yourself what a selfish person would do. And so on.
At last, a terrible issue that many nice guys face is the fear of approaching girls
which is also called “approach anxiety”. Figuring out exactly how to cure your approach
anxiety will greatly diminish the amount of girls who see you as the nice guy. If
this is an issue for you and you’d want to conquer it in fewer than thirty
days, click here right now to lose your approach anxiety.
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